Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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