i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
