I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
