my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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