I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
