Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
