There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
