Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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