My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
