How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
