i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
