Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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