forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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