Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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