Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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