k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
