I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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