Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
