drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
