Your face is a jimmy john
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
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Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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