Oh shit. There are penis maracas
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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