Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
