Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
