shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
