I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
