a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I cut my penus on the lid.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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