Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
God I need to hump something, right now.
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