just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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