God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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