someone get that fucking seahorse.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
