my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I would ride that face into the sunset