So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.