96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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