I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
