Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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