Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
