there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
