i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
