My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
