You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
