I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
