She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
