I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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