tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
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she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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