So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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