i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
