The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
