Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
