Apparently you make a good broom.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.