There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
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having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
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You need a sexual gate keeper
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?