i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.