we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
