My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
