a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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