I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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