Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
