I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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