It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
