So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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