just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
