it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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